Yikes
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
Rules Clarification
Hey all you cool cats and kittens,Since half of the shit y’all like to submit is absolute garbage that doesn’t fit this subreddit whatsoever, this subreddit is now approval only. That means your post will not show up in new no matter how many times you resubmit it. As well, we’ve added a neat little reminder when you post here. I’ve pasted it below for your convenience.If your post is not a cartoon, please head down to /r/terriblefacebookmemes. If your post is wholesome or actually funny, try /r/goodboomerhumor. If the art is decent, it probably should go in /r/im14andthisisdeep. If your post is a political cartoon, it will be removed. If your post is the fucking hair dryer cartoon, you will be shot on sight.As well, I’d also like to remind everyone that cartoons that are just about the coronavirus/lockdown/quarantine/social distancing do not a boomer post make. Most of these posts are just observational humor and not making a stupid joke. Examples of jokes that would fit are things like “I’m locked up with my family and I hate them”, “I wish I were at work because technology is the worst”, “the virus isn’t that bad, kids these days are just sensitive.”That’s all folks!
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
I used to be an electrician…
…but the working conditions were shocking
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.