yo mama
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Yep. It can happen.
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him. The guy looks at his situation…and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!" Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might". The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head. The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop. The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief. Then the voice from above speaks again.."NOW you're fucked".
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn’t that violent…
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
I tried to donate blood today… NEVER AGAIN!
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff