Yoda is wise
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
I have some breaking news for her.
they were cooked in grease
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
He looks at his sasquatch. I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it. What do I win?
The results speak for themselves!
and on the other, your left.
Because he’s got little legs
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
"Five beers please."
Disclaimer: This joke involves gender-based humour and don't actually reflect the my viewpoint about either gender. So there was this billionare, very sucessful enterpreneur, that decided to invest a large chunk of his funds in a new business: The Husband Shop The Husband Shop is a 6-floor building, each containing an assortment of husbands bearing more or less the same characteristics, however the next floor has a costier but better selection. So, this Lady goes to visit the shop and she sees this at the first floor: "At The Husband Shop we strive to present to you the very best in man. This Floor has 100% loyal men". Quite pleased with what she sees, she goes to the next one and it says: "This Floor 100% loyal men and they are very handsome!". She investigates further, and on the third floor she sees: "This floor has 100% loyal men, and they are handsome and romantic!" On the fourth floor she finds: "This floor has 100% loyal men, which are also very handsome, romantic and great with kids!" The fifth floor had the following: "This floor has 100% loyal men, all of them are very handsome, romantic, great with kids and they'll rock your world in the bed every time!" She was absolutely amazed by what they had put together, and she knew they had the best for last, so she found this: "Congratulations! You are the 4,986,221th visitor this year! Sorry, there are no husbands in this floor. We regret to inform we abandoned "The Husband Shop" development as we realized women were nearly impossible to please". ————————————————— BONUS JOKE In order to appeal to both genders (and alleviate the uproar of sexism accusations), the billionare made "The Wife Shop", and they put a lot more effort this time around. Since the other business became so famous because of the unusual service, a reporter did some digging, and he came back with this: "Upon arriving 'The Wife Shop', or TWS, the costumer is immediatly greeted by an employee that will explain the concept of the business and will acompany Him or Her through the floors, in the same method they used on The Husband Shop. The First Floor says: Welcome to The Wife Shop! We keep our promise to strive for excellency, but this time it's all about finding you your perfect wife! This floor has the most gourgeous women you'll ever find. The second floor says: "This floor has absolutely gorgeous women and they are all incredible in the bedroom. The 4 remaining floors are yet to be visited".
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
When it's clearly a word!
Igloo it back together again.
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
It went back for seconds
I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:
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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.
Your under a vest
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
He said I have to start paying in advance
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.