You and everyone here buddy.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?
Very little.
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through PLEASE WAKE UP
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
