You are a metallic one
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald’s ice cream machine
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas…
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
ship the food to the dump and cut out the middleman?
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
Woke up to my phone having a seizure because my dad kept sending me a dozen of these
https://ift.tt/37sNkcH
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
What does the marxman put in his gun?
Communition!
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.