You are on a X5 killstreak. Nice
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
I hope you're happy now.
Because he hated capitalism.
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
They’re just trying to be edgy.
You call them antisemantic!
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
Because I suck at tennis.
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
Because only thyme will tell.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
I was like, 0mg!
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
Because he was too far out
A lip reader
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
He orders a bear.
Number 1. Number 2.
I made several discoveries