You are on a X5 killstreak. Nice
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran
Strong Young Man
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Idiot, get in."
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
My wife asked me “what starts with f and ends with k”
I said "No, it doesn't".
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.