You are on a X5 killstreak. Nice
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
An old, gross joke about deer hunting
This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent. I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits. About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go. I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?" I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
How did Helen Keller know an angel was always watching over her?
It was Heaven-scent
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
A truck driver drives during an intense winter strom
The truck driver comes to a stop. The woman in the car behind him gets out of her car and knocks on the truck driver's window: "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver is confused and continues his path until the next stop. The woman knocks on his window again. "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver is even more confused and continues to drive. At the next stop, the woman comes to knock again on his window. "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver gets angry and says: "Would you please shut up! I'm putting salt on the road!"
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in‘unt?” Only one word leaps to his mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is aunt." “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.