You are on a X5 killstreak. Nice
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I don’t do drugs
He was consumed by pride.
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
A seasoned veteran
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Idiot, get in."
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
He replies: "I am not your dad"
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
I said "No, it doesn't".
I’m a faux pas.
His friend asks, "Who?"
Because they have little anty bodies
No text found
They were an undercover cop.
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
“Are you having a crisis ?”
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.