You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
All you gotta do is use a free VPN, and yet they think they are actually achieving something
All you gotta do is use a free VPN, and yet they think they are actually achieving something
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church’s stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head. One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name. The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.