You can call me Al
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
Fast Eddie
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'… The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.