You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Dad: No. You’re grounded. Son: No fair! Dad: That’s exactly what I said.
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random. “Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.” She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. “Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!” “The baby! She’s crowning!” “But… what’s that in her HAND???” “It… it looks like…” “Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Me: It seems like….you have a hidden agenda.
I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
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To get to the udder side
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
Let's go ride bikes!
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Is nothing sacred?