You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I was going to start an all cashew diet
But then I realized that’s just nuts…
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
A snoozosaurus.
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
What’s the opposite of a mermaid?
Land Ho!
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.
Best trade ever.
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me