You can never go wrong dunking on JS
But for real…
Exactly how much did that Christmas Party cost?
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
Republicans think a 1-time cash payment will save America. It won’t.
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
[interesting and funny title]
yeah, that’s fine
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
I don’t understand the last one yet.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton…
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
What’s with boomers and trans?
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
Here, I fixed it.
My dad sent me this
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
How to be informed about Covid-19
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
Capitalism at its finest.
It was a simpler time!
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
This weird trick works 100% of the time!
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?" The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her" To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you" "My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days" The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man… And what is your final wish?" "Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you" The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work" Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
There is another
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
haha its funny because he’s a puppet hahaha
Guess Which One…
Tech Support Sniper
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
Me as ozone absorbing only harmful things
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
Found unironically on Instagram
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Did you get that?
“I am not a crook!”
The man in the middle is Stackoverflow 😂
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
“Socialism for me, not for thee.” – GOP motto
A restaurant nearby…people have trouble finding the exit
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
CSS is Mumble Rap
Nerd is the new normal.
A friend of mine is clearly struggling
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
I, in my great and unmatched wisdom, declare that I am a stable genius.
Always taking the low road Repugs …
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.