You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
So there’s a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.
One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, the boss wants to know where it is" Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about" The translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" The translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through the sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" The translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about" The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table and points a gun to the accountant's head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here" Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "Well, boss, he said go fuck yourself"
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My Salesforce Admin keeps saying “sWiTcH tO LiGhTnInG” but i just love classic!
https://ift.tt/2XO8bo9
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
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Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."