You Can’t Catch the Coronavirus if You…
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
A little boy asked his mother one day…
"Mother, is god a man or a woman?" Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works… And replied "both". The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back. "Mother, is god black or white?" She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied "both". The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back. "Mother, is god gay or straight?" She thought of that aspect and replied "both". The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed "I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!" Note – It's not my joke, only sharing.
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless youâre prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
If youâre surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
An old man is selling watermelons…
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…"
My friend claims that he âaccidentallyâ glued himself to his autobiography, but I donât believe him.
But thatâs his story, and heâs sticking to it.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
âHow long do you have to do that for?â I asked. âWhen is he too old for it?â âWell, itâs a physical bond between a mother and her child isnât it? Itâs only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.â âYeah, shut up Joe â I was talking to your mother.â
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?” She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.” The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
Classic joke for our Muslim friends today
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, âGive me two shots ofâŚâ
The bartender cuts him off saying,âYou only get one shot.â
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. âIâm sorry, but we donât allow dogs in here,â says the bartender. âThatâs my seeing-eye dog,â the man replies. The bartenderâs face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole. âOh God. Iâm sorry. Here â your first two are on me.â He hands the man two bottles of beer. âThank you, I appreciate that.â The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: âThe bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him itâs your seeing-eye dog and heâll feel so bad that heâll buy your first few rounds!â âThanks!â replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. âIâm sorry, sir. We donât allow dogs in here.â âItâs my seeing-eye dog.â The barenderâs face wrinkles into confusion. He says, âEhhh, I donât think so. They donât make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.â âFUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!â
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
![Hi Welcome to Cher (Chiliâs) Vine [20 views]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/no_image_card-63-400x247.png)
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
Everythingâs great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: âDo you know whatâs been the best thing since I left you, itâs-â
âOh, I know. Youâve been out shagging anything that moves!â she said. âSowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what youâre all about!â â-itâs that Iâve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.â
