Chicken sees a salad
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Someone threw a fridge at her.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.” She got me good.
If you can’t come let me know
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
a spear, I guess.
This isn't where they be long.
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
Because they can't even.
And then she gave me a huge hug.
Now he’s just Dav
Because it runs in your jeans.
thanks daylight savings
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
He was sick of me horsing around
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Because she couldn't see that well.
Turns out I came early.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.