You can’t change facts
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
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My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
My 8 year old pulled this on me
Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.” She got me good.
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
Soon just got me without this one: “Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?”
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
My friend David lost his ID
Now he’s just Dav
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
