Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.
It’s an inside joke.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
They don't wanna get ripped
No text found
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
Now it's just a waist of space.
I don't like high maintenance women.
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
They both border on stupidity.
Salt and Peppa
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."