You can’t stop Plasma from existing 5th grade science teachers
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
Truly ‘‘twas a pity when William Pitt died
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