You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
I told her I already Reddit.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
I could use a light snack.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
Because they have 2 shifts.
Because it was two-tired
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
Religion brought them together.
…that's Hawai'i roll…
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
I hope it's just a phase.
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
But I called her Bluff…
Because one egg is un oeuf.
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Because they're full of anty bodies.
It can offer a whole lot more.
Good condition, only driven from time to time
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
I don't know and I don't care.
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad" They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.