You could say this about me as well….
I’ll just leave this here…
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
Is this the society we live in?
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?”
Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… … walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group… "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Found at the local thrift shop
Small business can be quite rough caw caw
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
How do I compile a php file?
Water is wet
Sacred texts from the past
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
If those kids could read
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
Posted to a cat group I follow
Ahaha phone bad
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
No text found
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
I hope they have one with the same name as me, like those Coca Cola bottles.
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
How does a chicken pay its bills?
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
Well said mate
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: That’s so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: That’s so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
Work from home good
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Hope is basically lost at that point
People with Alzheimer’s after forgetting about gravity
What a difference a week makes.
I can’t be the only one
How to stop a suicide
Based on a tragic story
Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas City anymore.
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
I could watch this all day.
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
Merry Christmas To All You IT Guys and Gals!
All good, as long as it runs, right?
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.
The most peaceful feeling in the history of code.
Science makes me sad sometimes
Getting my hopes up
And it’s not due to closed salons amidst the lockdown….
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
Coffee is always my friend.
This is 👇
How does moses make his coffee
This fits every category
Why does no one know what happens after death?