You did it
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
The oyster shucker at Red Lobster is on sick leave…
He pulled a muscle.
A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by…
He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?" Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees. The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen. The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”
PRODUCER: You mean a choir? “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..
You can hide, but you can't run.
A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.” He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
To the guy who invented 0…
Thanks for nothing!
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
It’s my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes… Why couldn’t the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed… Sorry, I'll do better next year – definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
The creator of the USB drive died yesterday.
He was lowered into the coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!