You don’t want to argue with a wise boomer.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
They are just trying to be edgy.
"Why's that?" he asked. I said, "Yes, very wise.'
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
Because the trees can speak for themselves
I hate prison.
Comes great response ability.
"Yes, we arson."
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
I will not die in vein!
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."
She seemed surprised
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
Because he hated capitalism.
But I laugh harder
… I now call him Dav.
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
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The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
He wants to become a web designer.
I'd give it one star.
But then I quit cold turkey
Until knight fall.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
me and my recliner go way back.
Shit. Wrong thread.
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
But I just wasn't a big fan.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
A trip without the kids.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm