You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
I put all my watches together to make a belt
It was a waist of time
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?
He did CrossFit.
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ….the worst case scenario.
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
