You gouda be kidding me.
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up…
They’d be alloys!
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok…" says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
I don’t get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place
People are dying to get there.
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.