You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”…
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
An engineer and a mathematician.
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep. A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.
What’s the cheapest meat? Deer balls.
They're under a buck.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
My wife just joined an activist group called DAM
Mothers Against Dyslexia
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
I guess China finally got what they want
They managed to coronise the world.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Does discount?
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
Rosy and Sunday school
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
