You just have to be the lucky one
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
Landing on the Moon
In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. ‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked. ‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’ ‘The Moon?! Hmm… could you then do me a favor?’ ‘What do you want?’ ‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’ ‘What’s the message?’ The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly. ‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts. ‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’ The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message. When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off. ‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’ 'It says – Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’
What’s my blod type?
Typo
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
Why doesn’t the moon shave?
Because it waxes
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.
Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
We all know where the big apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
