You know how to tell the difference between the various schools of philosophical thought?
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
Halfway thru this sprint and team finds out last epic’s output ain’t functioning
https://ift.tt/2K4tudp
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once." "Why?" her son replied. "Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!" The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
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I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
