I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for Ā£50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
Whatās the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
Thereās one less drunk.
Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if heās a billionaire.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
A lemonade seller and the businessman.
A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices. "$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones." Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained silent. After giving it a thought for a while, the customer bought 5 full glasses of lemonade, giving the seller $15 (3Ć5). He drank all of them quickly and showed the seller 5 empty glasses, "I got 5 empty glasses only for $15, though the cost is $30. You see, what dirty tricks we businessmen are capable of!" The poor lemonade seller says, "Sir, I am an entrepreneur. You see I made you buy 5 glasses for no reason at all?" Edit : Ignore bad grammar please.
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
I can’t take my dog to the pond any more, the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasnāt come out yet!
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, āGet out. We donāt serve rope in here.ā So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, āHey! Arenāt you the rope that I just threw out?ā The rope replied, āNo. Iām a frayed knot.ā
All you dads out there couldnāt hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
Listen in the shell, Agustin – Thanks dad, I’ve already downloaded the sea sound app.
https://ift.tt/2Rbu90Z
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
The teacher gave
her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now š¤
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.