You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
Are your kids twins?
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice …"
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
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A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
Maybe ICE should go after real criminals instead of invading Sanctuary Cities?
https://ift.tt/2SLiwid
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
A friend told me that he doesn’t understand how cloning works.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”