You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: đ
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?
Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit:Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, becauseâŠ
I didnât want him to BabylonâŠ
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweaterâŠ
I didn't even know they could knit!
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now Iâm two hours late and I donât even like Jim Carey
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
My Salesforce Admin keeps saying “sWiTcH tO LiGhTnInG” but i just love classic!
https://ift.tt/2XO8bo9
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her whatâs wrong, but the woman just shouts, âShouldnât! Wouldnât! Didnât!â The nurse shakes her head and says, âSorry, I donât understand!â The woman screams, âCanât! Wonât! Donât!â
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, âAdmit her immediately!! Sheâs having contractions!!â
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was âshe was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?â The wife replied âperform the fucking autopsy!â
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
Itâs true, I saw it with my own eyes
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
Itâs a small world.
To the person who hacked into my reddit account…
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to ÂŁ100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
