You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop…
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
Sperm bank
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
My mom turned 45 last week. So during an argument, I would tell her
"Well, you're half right."
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
![Dunno if this works but [everyone liked that]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/gjrojo93dce41-400x497.png)
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
