You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
Iโve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. Thatโs why Iโm a cop.
Is that a bacon tree I see?
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says……… "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? " "Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush…."
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
Theyโre both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first man says โIโll have H2O please.โ The bartender replies โSure thing, and you?โ The second man says โIโll have H2O aswell please.โ The bartender turns around and mutters to himself โDammit, Iโll get him next time.โ
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… Itโs Humerus.
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isnโt my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs