You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
What’s the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
A man came home from work one afternoon.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!”
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
A jewish man goes into a public restroom
He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?" "Why yes, I am," he replied. "Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily. "A strange question… but yes.. I am circumcised…" "Did you grow up in New York?" The second man asked. "Well, yes! I did. How did you know?" "Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?" "I did! How do you know so much about me?" "He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe."
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
A man bought a bar
A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable. He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure. One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall. Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news. A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room. "Blackie, is that you?" The dog spoke. "Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully." The man replied, "I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight."