You know what jokes are trendy these days ?
Inside jokes.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
What kind of cell phone did the pirate have?
An AyyyyePhone
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I’m allergic to bread but eat it anyways
I guess I'm a gluten for punishment
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y'know, one would've been enough.
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
My girlfriend repeatedly kept calling me a flamingo!!
So I had to put my foot down
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth fuckin time, chicken!”