You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
I come to this sub when I’m on the toilet.
Just for shits and giggles.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
Late-Night Confessions: Who Else Struggles to Sleep Early? 😅
Late-Night Confessions: Who Else Struggles to Sleep Early? 😅
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
A jewish man goes into a public restroom
He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?" "Why yes, I am," he replied. "Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily. "A strange question… but yes.. I am circumcised…" "Did you grow up in New York?" The second man asked. "Well, yes! I did. How did you know?" "Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?" "I did! How do you know so much about me?" "He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe."
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes”- she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please”. The monk looked her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”. The monk shake his head “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can’t
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years…' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.