You know what makes something funnier? Pointing out how funny it is IN ALL CAPS

What did the duck say to the dog right before the world ended?

Quack.

I know someone who talks like an owl

No text found

« -The parks are finally open ! -They’re happy ! ».

https://ift.tt/2XKrwH5

Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?

Because one is a repost.

I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.

No text found

At-least the other error messages are useful

https://ift.tt/2WZeL9q

When the man couldn’t get his internet radio to work

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Electrons be wildin’

https://ift.tt/30c5leo

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

Why two? What was the need of it?

My friend told me that I need to stop singing I’m a believer because it was getting annoying but I thaught she was kidding

But then I saw her face

Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore

Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit

You’d hope they would be good at this stuff

https://ift.tt/2QRxIcd

Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. "Very well," Satan says. "You'll spend the next hundred years in here." "Hell yes!" the first man replies and jogs into the room while Satan locks the door behind him. "What about you?" Satan asks the second man. "It was definitely lust for me. I shagged every woman I could in every way I could. I couldn't stay faithful to any of my wives." "Very well," Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc. "I'll be back for you in a hundred years." "Hell yeah!" the second man exclaims as he charges into the room, stripping off his clothes as he goes. Satan locks the door behind him as well. "And last but not least, what about you? What was your favorite sin in life?" Satan says to the third man. "Man, it was definitely the drugs. I was high all the damn time," replies the third man. So Satan leads him to another room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room. "Alright alright alright!" the third man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the giant doobie with a huge grin on his face. Satan says, "You know the drill, I'll be back for you in a hundred years." as he locks the door. 100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door. The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss. Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says "I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!" Satan nods and says "You've repented of your sin so I'm going to give you a second chance at life." Satan unlocks the second door and the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore. He's hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks. "As God is my witness, I'm never even going to LOOK at a woman again!" Satan replies "Very well, you're repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life." Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes. And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him. The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, "Hey man, got a light?"