You know what makes something funnier? Pointing out how funny it is IN ALL CAPS
6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
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My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.” The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.” The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train.” The man says, “I know, but she has a good personality.”
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
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Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
What does a house wear?
Address
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?
It had a bison.
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
