You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
Why don’t Ant Eaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty bodies.
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
If only there was an easier way
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by and……….you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Dad jokes
But usually he's pretty serious
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
POV: you’re playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
POV: you’re playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity