You know when a black hole just goes yeet
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
A girl goes to a Chruch to confess
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
I once farted in an apple store.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
AFL, one of the most well-known security fuzzer, recently has got purchased by Google. I was upgrading my own code modification based on the pre-Google version AFL to the recent Google-owned newer version, then I found out they “civilized” some of the developer’s comment. Mildly interesting.
https://ift.tt/2NdkW57
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
There’s always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers…
… and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them. "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!" Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please." The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please." They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on. "That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!" After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them… and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all! "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train." On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please." All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.
She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes." "Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat." "How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow." My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these – "Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'" "How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."