A teenage boy had just passed his driving test …
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
It’s not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart..
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh…
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.
The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."