you like to move it
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
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Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.
They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What’s the definition of a Will?
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Mating Bull
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too." They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
There’s always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof