You love to see it
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
A Transgender goes to a dominatrix
The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job. On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?" Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex. After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?" "They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish" "What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip "This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!" Edit: consistency with pronouns
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
When Beethoven passed away…
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Shooting tips
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high — tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will." The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it — that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
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