You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
Dragon 1: Honey, I picked up some knights for dinner on my way home.
Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide…
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?
I could use a light snack.
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
I can speak time
It's my second language
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.
He is a real smooth operator.
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
How does music say goodbye
Audios
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I gave away all of my dead batteries
Free of charge.