You need exactly 239 beans to make Irish soup because if you add one more it becomes too farty.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

… so that’s odd.

i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.

"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.

Debt metal

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"

It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…

It's on paper view.

Those were Goodyears

A jacket.

Before she was buried the earth was flat

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Phillippe Phillop.

It's still syncing

An investigator

The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor. "My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game. The sailor now attempts to chip his ball out of the brush. He gets off a good shot, but it rolls back into a sand trap. "Fuck, I missed!" he says again. "My son! Please, refrain from such sinful language! You will anger the Lord!" the priest pleads. The sailor apologizes and they continue their game. The sailor takes a whack at his ball from the sandtrap. He has a great shot, landing the ball right on the green. Still it's not good enough for him, so yet again he mutters "fuck, I missed!" The priest bursts out, yelling "my son! The Lord will strike you down should you continue in your sinful ways! You will be punished for your sins!" The sailor apologizes profusely and lines up his putt. The putt heads straight for the hole… and then runs around the rim and stays out. "FUCK! I MISSED!" the sailor exclaims, louder than before. Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt shoots from the sky. It streaks down from the clouds and hits the priest, instantly killing him. A deep, booming voice from the heavens speaks… "FUCK! I MISSED!

No text found

No text found

They were cooked in Greece.

You are not alone

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

A minimum.

It was an ether / oar situation.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!

😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.

He was cleared of all charges.

An interview with a vampire. Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time. Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring. I: Please, tell me more about the recent years. V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising. I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising? V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me. I: Really? V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.

[Removed]

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

A sweepstake.

It's very refreshing.

We get it man she’s underage

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.