My friend said she can put her legs behind her head
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.
Why did the semen cross the road?
I put the wrong socks on this morning
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
Q. Why do elephants paint their toes? (some more elephant jokes)
A. So they can hide in fruit trees? Q. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a fruit tree? A. Of course not, they're too good at it. Q. How do elephants get in to fruit trees? A. They parachute in. Q. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in a fruit tree? A. Tickle the fruit and see if it laughs. Q. Why should you never walk through the forest on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM? A. That's when the elephants are practicing their parachuting. Q. Why does the orangutan have a flat face? A. He ate some fruit without tickling it first. Q. Why does the beaver have a flat tail? A. Because he walked through the forest on Thursday between 2 and 4 PM. u/kickypie's hippo joke reminded me of these (https://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/djwf9o/why_cant_you_see_hippopotamus_hiding_in_trees/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
3 gay sailors
Sailor: Captain! Captain! Captain: Yes Sailor? Sailor: I think we have 3 gay sailors on board! Captain: How would you even know that? Sailor: Well I sucked Jimmy's dick and it tasted like shit.
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes…
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
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Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner.
Waitress says, “What can I get you, Hun?”
So a girl comes in late to class…
The teacher asks her “why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.” Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?” Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.” Once again, another girl comes into class late and the teacher looks over angrily, “and why is that you’re late?!” Girl replies, “I was just blowing bubbles, sorry.” The teacher feeling bad for her outburst says “it’s ok, I just want everyone here before the new kid joins our class. Ahh, here he is now,” the teacher motions to the door. A young, nervous boy walks into the class. The teacher asks “now why don’t you introduce yourself to the class.” The boy shyly says “Hi, my name is Bubbles.”
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.