You really gonna scroll past without saying happy birthday to the top quark? (discovered today in 1995)
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well I’d say your fucking nuts.
I wasn’t close to my father when he died
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
Australians are geniuses.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.