You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Just a random thought
Just a random thought
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
I take Viagra for my sun burn…
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep. Obligatory: Thank you for the silver and gold, kind strangers! My first awards ever.
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
So proud
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror…
(ahem!) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder…" Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.