You ruined the post bean brain
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
When I die I want all the people Iβve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his nameβs Steve.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I donβt think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
ΒThe pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! IΒ can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.Β The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, βlisten, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!β The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Whatβs similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with βCheckmateβ.
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Cole’s Law…
Is basically just cabbage.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them βI understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.β
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesnβt believe me.
I never say curse words
I swear
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
I have a scary joke about math but…
Iβm 22 to say it.
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!