You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
The cornea the better
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
jim from IT support made by cat pregnant last timehe said he was fixing the usb port
Im beside myself
They're both cauldron.
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
Because it’s cheaper…
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Because he had no body to go with.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I mean come on guys
But I don't want to spread it.
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
You dont know how it works for the first time, It can be painful and time consuming, But if done correctly you start enjoying it later. AND ITS NOT FOR EVERYONE.
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
But the other 2 are
He was lucky it was a soft drink
But when I do, he laughs.
Said the shower head.
Alien versus Redditor.
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
Nothing. It’s on the house.
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
Now she’s a medium.
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE…."