You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
Do You Know Why They Don’t Have Covid-19 in Antarctica?
Because they are ICE-O-LATED
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
What do you call chickens who count their eggs?
A mathamachicken
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.