I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
A millennial buying a home
No text found
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
My wife told me to stop being a flamingo..
.. So i had to put my foot down
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister go to a blood drive
The rabbit says “I’m pretty sure I’m a type-o”
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
I just noticed…….
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is steadily improving.
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
I just drove my truck into a building!
Good thing I opened the garage door first.