You tell me
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
A mom decides to clean her sons room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine…
The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing. "God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says. "Things come and things go", the rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?" "Don't mind if I do", the Pope says. The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink. The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbit does not drink his. "Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks. "Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
An old man is selling watermelons…
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…"
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and chips, please.”
“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
The teacher gave
her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'