YoU wIlL dIe
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
My parents shared this…an Indian way to prevent corona
The things you learn on Wikipedia :-)
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
A man decided to become a monk
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
My dad is a goldmine for these
Their noses are so weird, they look like they belong on a box of Nerds.
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Meanwhile in Brazil…
the only thing more satisfying is having glucose in stock
I don’t get it, what are they holding?
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
Dressed for the occasion
The most boomer thing a boomer would say:
gAmiNg iS tHe nEw smOKiNg
They can’t really be this stupid!
Ok boomer we get it, wife bad
It must be, right?
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
I love to wear bulky dresses on the beach
I thought you were bringing the black guy?
Ah yes funny names
Ship of Fools…
My parents in the mid 1990’s
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
Story of my life – 6 week release cycle
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
miss those days tbh
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
Idk he’d probably still find a way
What a difference Corona makes
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
Debugging at its finest
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
It’s not that wrong but I think it belong to here
Lecture Spiderman was right all along…
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
Got my brother a shirt for his birthday. I think it’s pretty accurate.
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
There really is a tweet for everything
Interview question employers should be prepared to answer
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
From David Frum’s book.
I saw this on facebook
Gotta keep yourself busy
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
No, it doesn’t!
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
Lindsey in denial
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
Priorities, Mitch, priorities…
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
Goes by the name “Bunkerboy.”
who else can relate
It’s ok to kneel if you’re white
What do you give a sick lemon?
Know your menu (buttons)
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"