YoU wIlL dIe
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
A man decided to become a monk
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
open toad
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"