You worse than hitler!
“Son, you’re adopted”.
Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!". Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well". Son: "Well I did have my suspicions". Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
Don’t date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress." "Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor. "Now, I want you to take off my bra." "Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side. "And Jeeves, remove my panties." "Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor. "Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"
I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.
The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.
"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning… And I have oatmeal every morning."
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
https://ift.tt/2TluzDs
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
