YOU WOULD DO THIS
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled… "SUPPLIES!!"
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
How much does it cost to park Santa’s sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Why do parallel lines get on so well?
Because they’re straight up with each other.
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
I was gonna try out archery
But theres too many drawbacks
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
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My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
There is a vibe for this guy. Best salesman of the year.
There is a vibe for this guy. Best salesman of the year.
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
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